Goals, and the ensuing success or failure of them, are a sore subject for many; losing weight, moving up in your career, saving for retirement, finding life balance, and so on.  I’ve witnessed this lack of confidence first hand through a short questionnaire on my contact page.  It asks people if they set goals and how likely are they to achieve them and the answers are all over the map.

A lot of people don’t make goals about things that are really important to them, and most people don’t know how to achieve them once they make them. I could talk about many different aspects about goals but today I’ll just start with what leads to success.

Though I am not the most organized and focused person in the world, I find that if I am COMMITTED to a goal, have it broken out into steps, and keep an environment that supports my goal, I have a high success rate.

So what affects the commitment to the goal?  Usually whether I deem it achievable, and whether it fits into my comfort zone.  I can throw a party, do a massive clean up if I have company coming, write a blog post if I have something interesting to say, etc.  The goals that are the hardest are the long-term commitment goals that require a shift from the norm and are out of our comfort zone.

My most pressing example of a personal goal right now is to lose 35 pounds.  I’ve tried this before without permanent success.  I’m still not completely sure how they all packed on over the years, but I got a clue to it when I went to a nutritionist.  She told me to avoid wheat, corn, and dairy because they are not well digested by my blood type (O) and all of the hidden symptoms were there: weight gain, joint pain, chronic inflammation and asthma, even a clogged right ear that has plagued me for years!  Years back I switched to whole grain wheat products to get more healthy fiber and instead I have packed on the gluten that my body can’t digest!

After getting the info, embracing the new foods to try, finding a buddy (my sister Katherine), I started picturing what I would look like 35 pounds lighter.  There is an old picture of me when I was a young mom that is very inspiring.

Little by little I have taken the steps that are necessary to accomplish this important goal: Buy the right foods, Say NO to sweets (most of the time), take the time to cook my own unprocessed food, savor the food I am eating, try new things (I had Cod for the first time and loved it- even though I have spent my life saying I hate fish).  I’m actually not feeling deprived, even after hosting a big birthday party this weekend.  I had a piece of cake, just not 3!  I also sent home all the leftovers so that I couldn’t eat them.  I don’t need the temptations! I’ve recruited my family to help and they are very obliging.

This is a goal for a lifetime of good health, not a quick fix.  That said, I have a time frame that motivates me and that is to look great in a bathing suit when I go on a Disney trip (land and cruise) with my husband, daughter and son-in-law in late October.  I have a Specific and Measurable target that is Achievable, Resonant (really important to me) and I have made a Time deadline (SMART).   I have over 3 months to make a dent in those 35 pounds, and I’m already down 9. Yay!  No matter how far I get by Oct 25, I’ll keep going till the 35 pounds are gone.  And I will follow that up with a maintenance goal for life.

To summarize what makes goal-achieving successful:

• Make it SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, resonant, and timely.)
• You must feel connected to the goal and envision how it will help you.
• Make it a reach but not too big a reach till you are better at it.
• Do the research, get the information, whatever you need to feel prepared and ready to make it happen.
• Make time in your schedule to work on the goal- it won’t happen if you don’t work at it!
• Allow for the time to reflect and savor the accomplishments.
• Break the goal into smaller steps or pieces that might make the goal more achievable.
• Get started somewhere (the first closet, the first 5 pounds, the first conversation)
• Recruit supporters- friends and family might be a great place to start.
• Hire someone when you need to- such as a coach, a handyman, or a graphic designer for the small business owner.  (My nutritionist was very helpful to get me started).
• Develop a vision of what life will be like when the goal is achieved and keep that foremost in your mind.
• Determine what you will need to say yes to (ex. eating more leafy greens) and what you will say no to (ex. baked goods).
• Create a nurturing environment for your goal to succeed (ex. keep sweets out of your house, stop going out to eat, keep a journal about your health).

If you can think of any other tips please feel free to share!  Happy goal setting!

Our lives are so rich and so busy with things to do, people to see, and places to be, that sometimes the simple things don’t seem so simple anymore!

I’ve recently had shoulder surgery and have a ritual of exercises and stretches I’m supposed to do every day. 15 min a few times a day, seems simple to fit in, right?

It’s only simple if I MAKE the time, do it first thing in the morning, or literally schedule it on my iCal.  As a small business owner, there are constant demands for my time; coaching, networking, business meetings, professional development, marketing plans, preparing materials, and lets not forget blogging and my newsletter- both of which have been neglected sorely as I’ve gone through this winter with an injured shoulder.

What else demands my (and probably your) time? The house, cooking, shopping, cleaning, family time, my dog, all the usuals.  I had every intention of starting my day with a walk before it got too hot (weird to say on April 16!).  I’m in my shorts and sneakers and remembered I had to water all the new plants that went in this weekend, and to unclog the pond filter, which is on overdrive with all the winter sludge.  By the time I was done, it was almost time for my weekly planning call with my business partner, Anna Cole.

I’m proud to say that at least I am getting in a new blog post and can say I started the week productively.  Oh, and I did my shoulder exercises and stretches before I even got out of bed.  Yeah for me!

So what things do you struggle to fit into your busy life? Please share.

I’ve been married to my husband Steve for over 31 years and we never tire of spending time together.  We talk about all sorts of things on a regular basis; our kids, the house, gardening, vacations, retirement, and so on.

The relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, whom I greatly admire, would be very encouraged by this. One of his “Principles for Making Marriage Work” is turning toward each other for support and to know what each others’ lives are all about.  When you know what makes your spouse happy, what they worry about, what is going on in their job, etc, it brings great strength to your marriage.

Steve knows I’m trying to get more exercise these days, despite my shoulder injury, so he cheers me on when I go to Zumba class or take the dog for a long walk.  Today he invited me for a hike on our favorite trail.  There wasn’t any pressure, just a gentle nudge that he’d wait till I got back from church if I wanted him to wait. (Steve gets up early, works out, then goes to church before me if my choir is singing at the 11:30 mass).

It would have been real easy to say, “Go ahead, I’ll go with you next time,” but these walks are a chance for us to connect.  Steve spends 60-70 hours away from the house each week due to his job (and the long commute into NYC every day), so we don’t have much time for each other during the work week.  All the more reason to make time for each other on the weekends.

Today was a special day in particular due to the “Big Game” (The Superbowl). We both grew up in New York and our daughter is married to a diehard Patriot’s fan, so it made the game more interesting.  I love watching football, so to have two local teams in the game was great (I live in CT).

My love of football came from watching it with my dad as a kid.  I was in the marching band in high school and I’d watch the college games with dad, back when they actually showed the half-time shows when the marching bands played for the spectators.  (Now we get sportscasters talking about what we just watched.)  We imagined me playing with the Notre Dame Marching Band (never happened) and it was one of the few times in my life that my dad and I made a real connection. It’s annother great example of making time for each other.

Moral of the story: Take the time and make the invitation or be open to accept the invitation. Either way, you’ll never regret it.

What’s your story?

I don’t usually talk about my spiritual life publicly, but this week’s church sermon really got me thinking. We had a guest priest in church this past weekend, an Irish friend of our pastor. He mentioned the story of St. Bernadette, who heard the voice of Mary every day for 2 weeks. Mary asked Bernadette to visit the grotto day after day until it started to draw very large crowds. (Her hometown of Lourdes, France is now famous because of Bernadette), but by the 14th day the police had blocked off the grotto.

Bernadette had to go to the other side of the stream, climb up the terrain a bit and look down on the grotto from a distance, beyond all the obstacles, in order to see Mary in the grotto. Father Harris made the comparison to our lives, where we come to church daily or weekly to be with God and get beyond all the obstacles in our lives; work and family demands, technology, the hustle and bustle of life.

This concept of seeing our lives from above the obstacles is what life coaching has done for me and what I try to do for my clients. Don’t let the hustle and bustle of life, along with its demands and obstacles keep you from seeing what your life purpose is. Don’t let the inner obstacles of fear or doubt keep you from living the life that you are meant to live. Where is your focus? Is it on the distractions closest to you or the distant path yet traveled?

Take some time to envision the possible paths your life can take.
Make the time to evaluate the obstacles that are keeping you blocked.

Create a plan or strategy to bust through the obstacles now, before you waste more time submitting to your fears, doubts, and trials of life.

Make your life mean something powerful.
And finally, connect to whatever spirituality allows you to be one with yourself without judgment or criticism. Accept who you are and be the best you can be.

“What will your children remember? Moments spent listening, talking, playing and sharing together may be the most important times of all.”

– Gloria Gaither

Our youngest daughter went to college in Fredericksburg, VA, over 300 miles from home.  It’s a beautiful town, full of character and history, which is right up my husband’s alley.  Steve loved to see the town all lit up in its festive glory for the holiday season.  It became a tradition to go down to VA together a day early when we picked Melissa up for Christmas break.  We would stay at the Kenmore Inn, a historic old mansion that offered a comfortable home base for our exploring.

When Melissa graduated from college and we no longer had the excuse to go to Fredericksburg, it was a little bittersweet.  So now that she is married and living in Alexandria, we decided to go visit her and Christopher and plan a day trip to Fredericksburg. I think the kids were more excited to see the changes to the college campus, though jumping in and out of the shops on Main St. was fun too.  We found some great gifts for family members and had a wonderful lunch in the local pub.

Ironically, we watched the town’s Main St transform into the bustling sideshow for their Christmas Parade, and stores closed early to enjoy the event.  We could have had front row seats, but we chose to get out of town before the traffic turned into a bottleneck. We didn’t get to the James Monroe Museum or the Apothecary where my daughter used to work in her 1780’s costume, but we had fun, and enjoyed sharing our favorite stores, gift ideas and spending time with each other.

The next day we explored Old Towne Alexandria, which is about 10 times the size of downtown Fredericksburg and has even more to offer.  I see the tradition transforming before our eyes!

What family moments do you remember that you can repeat?  What tradition do you want to resurrect?  Or what new tradition would you like to start for the next generation?  The sky’s the limit.

Journey to a Happier Life Part 4: Time Management Tools: Focus

This is the fourth posting in a series of six.  Prior steps on this journey:

Increasing your personal awareness of your values, life patterns, habits, and fears.

Setting priorities and standards for neglected areas in your life.

Identifying and overcoming your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck.

When you think about time management, what would make you FEEL more efficient or successful? Is it getting more things done in a day, staying on top of important tasks, managing some of the incompletes in your life, allowing yourself some free time to do things you WANT to do, or a little of everything?

I like to think of time management as making the most of the time I have.  The best way I know to do that is to focus on what I need to do when I need to be doing it, then save some time for what I want to do and what makes my life richer.

Focus means avoiding doing things that are going to be a waste of time.  If I start doing “unnecessary” tasks or activities it will take away from accomplishing what I really need or want to do.

Focus would be the opposite of procrastination or  “spinning my wheels.”

Procrastination is avoiding and “spinning” is going about things in a very random or haphazard way.

I like to look at goals from a few different perspectives; things you need to do and things you want to do.  Keeping this in mind, you can manage your time and work on the needs and the wants with an equal but separate focus.  If we only did things that we needed to do right now we would never work on any short to long-range goals that are important to us.

So here is how I brake out my time to get some of each done.

Daily or weekly tasks get a few hours a day minimum.

If I have a list of tasks I need to do today ready to go, I will use my time more efficiently and get them done.  I actually wrote out a list of daily tasks, weekly tasks, and monthly tasks and I can refer to the master list to remind me of the things I like to get done regularly.  When I stay on top of this list I can then fit in some time to work on longer-range goals like planning a vacation, writing my book, or doing a major cleaning.  I could also fit in an hour of relaxation or time connecting with my family or friends.

Goal Time: Short, Medium and Long-term Goals get a few hours a week minimum

A few 1 or 2-hour blocks of time each week on my goals or even a full-day marathon, will keep them moving forward with progress and I will feel encouraged to continue working on them. I’ve noticed three things that assure I spend time on the goals: having time on the calendar, having the to-do’s done, and having an accountability partner who I report to about my progress.  I have several accountability partners depending on the goal.  I speak to friends in a group coaching setting 4 times a month and have a personal 1-on-1 coach as well.  I also share goals with my husband or friends and we support each other as we make progress.

My book is a good example of a long-range goal, something I’ve been plugging away at for a year.  If I asked myself each week, “Do I have time for this?” I probably could come up with 10 things to do ahead of it.  But if I think about what it means to me and how important it is, I’m happy to fit in a few hours each week.  Otherwise I would never make progress and I’d give up on it.  It also keeps it on my mind so that when I see or hear of something that would be a good addition to the book, I put it in my notes.

Managing time is a matter of making choices.  Ask yourself, “Is this the best use of my time?  Am I focused and ready to tackle the chore? If I get this done now can I enjoy myself a little more when I’m done?”

Set Your Goals

Make a List

Stay Focused- Eliminate unnecessary tasks

Get it Done

Repeat!

This will give you time to enjoy life and accomplish bigger goals.

“Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.”

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

• Your significant other doesn’t understand you.
• Your mom keeps prying into your business.
• The neighbor keeps parking in front of your mailbox.

Every man and woman on Earth has wanted to talk to some one at some time about something uncomfortable. If they don’t feel safe, they may react with either a fight or flight response. In conversation language this may look like silence (avoidance, appeasing others, pretending) or verbal violence (blaming, judgment, criticism, etc). Those who are uncomfortable with conflict will probably avoid unsafe conversations, and then feel unheard. Those who jump into conflict without the best self-control may speak abruptly or harshly and set in motion a defensive conversation. Some people feel easily threatened and go to strike first.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

What sets up a “safe” conversation can vary from person to person but it begins by having good intentions from the get-go. Don’t go into a conversation with a full agenda and only one acceptable outcome. “I’m right, you’re wrong” doesn’t get you anywhere. That is called “not being open to influence.”

According to Kerry Patterson, et al in the book, “Crucial Conversations,” in order to have safe conversations, you need mutual respect and mutual purpose. What are you both getting out of this? How can you come together for a reason that appeals to both of you? Having mutual purpose allows both parties to be enrolled in the conversation and to look for what you have in common rather than just how you differ.

The book offers some “Start with the Heart questions.”

• What do I want for me?
• What do I want for others?
• What do I want for our relationship?

If your answers sound something like, “I want my relationships to be stronger, more genuine, more open and honest,” then you are heading in the right direction. Keep in mind, “What is good for the relationship is good for me.” You ARE your relationships. Your life is about relationships. Whether it is with your spouse, children, friends, or co-workers, if these relationships are not in integrity with your values, hopes and dreams, you will be off-kilter.

Keeping the long-term goals of the relationship in mind will allow you to find the mutual purpose and respect you need to create safe conversations, AND a lot less drama! So start with the heart and be open to influence. You’ll have safe conversations and see a shift in your relationships in no time.

“Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring the problems that divide us.” John F Kennedy, Inaugural Address, Jan, 1961.

We all have our good days and our bad days, and it’s the same with our relationships.  One of the keys to having more “good” than “bad” in your relationships is to analyze who you are BEING in the relationship and then making adjustments.  Try these 5 tips and you’ll see a difference in no time.

1. Taking control of who you are BEING begins with becoming aware of what you are doing right now; the way you talk to yourself, the way you respond to others, and the actions you take.   Try to make a mental note of how positive you are being.  Do you accept or judge?  Do you forgive or hold grudges?  Do you expect the worst or appreciate all that you have and all that others do?

Are you being more Positive or more Negative in your relationships?

2. It’s important to understand that you get back what you put out.  If you want a more open and honest relationship, you need to be more open and honest.  If you wish others would just speak their truth and stop avoiding or beating around the bush, you need to be willing to go there yourself.  You also need to be willing to listen and not judge when that person is being straightforward with you.  Otherwise they’ll never continue!  So what is important to you?

What values do you hold dear and are you living up to them yourself or just demanding of others?

3. Pick a positive action, emotion or expression and then use it as often as you can for the next week. Adding positive emotions to the relationship system can only have a positive affect. Next week you’ll have had so much success you’ll want to try another!  Here are a few to choose from: Appreciation, Acknowledgment, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Gratitude, Respect, Affection, Giving of your Time without expecting anything in return, Being present with your loved ones (not watching your phone for calls, texts, emails, twitters or anything else!)

A few trickier and more challenging skills to work on are Active Listening, Being Open to Influence (not steadfast in your opinion with your fingers in your ears!), and sharing your thoughts and feelings with the intention to inform, not control in any way.

What is ONE positive action, emotion or expression you can share today with your loved ones?

4. Be grateful for all that you have and all that others do for you.  Yes, I know this is a duplicate example of #3, but it is worth emphasizing.  When a person is feeling grateful it is hard to have negative emotions at the same time.

Some people like to keep a gratitude journal while others like to start their day meditating.  The great Wayne Dyer says he opens his eyes in the morning and says “Thank You.”  What a great way to start the day!

What are you grateful for?  Start a list and you’ll be energized by the time you finish.

5. We all have a sense of what is working and what is not working.  Be open to change if something is not working and to be more in line with your values.  You won’t lose your identity; you’ll lose all the roadblocks to a genuine, honest relationship.

What are you willing to do for your relationship?

As always, I am here to help.  Give me a call to set up a free consultation and let’s get your life on track!

Monica 203-209-5462. www.newstepslifecoaching.com

This is the third posting in a series of six. The first two steps are:  Increase your personal awareness, and Set Priorities and Standards for the neglected areas of your life.

Limiting Beliefs are hidden or not-so-hidden beliefs that you have that may not necessarily be true. They are a reflection of our inner-selves or our inner saboteurs that keep our lives “safe” and small. For instance, if a person believes (or fears) that all dogs will bite them, they will act accordingly and shrink in fear from all dogs.  Likewise, if someone believes that the only legitimate job is  a corporate nine-to-fiver, they will be afraid to ever hang out their own shingle and be their own boss.

When it comes to parenting, we have our own limiting beliefs.  I’ve talked to several parents recently who feel stuck in their roles of mom/dad, spouse, career person, housekeeper, nursemaid, etc.  Their limiting beliefs include such things as:
They shouldn’t complain because they have so much.

They shouldn’t ask for help or question their duty as parent, spouse, career person and homeowner.

If they talk to someone about it they might be considered weak or ungrateful.

They should do everything for their children.

Other common limiting beliefs that have nothing to do with your role, your particular job, or your wealth might include:
I’m not good enough.
If I let up the slightest I will fail.
If I have a conversation about a tense subject, it will end up in a fight.
I don’t know how to do X,Y,Z and it’s too hard to learn.

A comment I hear from many clients is about their fear of failure or fear of rejection.  This may show up as doing your job in a “safe” manner or over-indulging those we fear losing.  I mention this because these fears are much more common than people tend to admit.  They could stem from childhood, past or current jobs or past romances.

When we are controlled by our limiting beliefs, we tend to live smaller.  We don’t try new things or stretch beyond our comfort zone.  Faced with fear, we hold back or think small because we are SURE that the worst will happen.  We become stuck in our same old world, convinced that this is better than making waves or trying something different.

So the next question is, “How do I get out from under these limiting beliefs?”

Start by wanting to be open to thinking differently, then go through these few steps.
1. Name the limiting belief: (If you’re not sure you have one, ask yourself what you are SURE will always happen, will NEVER happen, or look for a place that you are always stuck.)  Example: I don’t have enough time to do X,Y,Z.
2. Create a positive belief from a negative one and test it out: (I would prefer to believe that) I DO have time for X,Y,Z.  I will find ways to enjoy X,Y,Z.
3. Write out ways that you can make it possible or test out your positive belief with logic and trial and error.  The key to getting around limiting beliefs is to question them; not in an angry and defiant way, but in a curious way that allows for other options.

I had a client who had a major fear of being in NYC after 9/11 after losing a family member.  His inner fear said, “It’s not safe to be there.”  That fear limited his life in many ways- fun, career options, even gatherings with friends.  When he found himself in NY for a very important meeting, he tested his limiting belief and was able to say, “Millions of people are safe in NYC every day, my fear is trying to keep me safe but it’s OK, I am safe.” He was able to relax and be his confident self.  Little by little he will test the merit of the limiting belief until it doesn’t even pop up anymore.

Bottom line, live more consciously and don’t believe everything you think!  Become aware of your limiting thoughts and challenge them.  If you are hearing “Can’t, shouldn’t, or have to,” or wonder, “Why did I do that?” then it is time to figure out what is driving your actions.

Consider hiring me or another coach to explore what is limiting your success or satisfaction in life.   I recently worked with a new client for 6 hours over 2 weeks and he was literally a new person when we were done.  He really did a great job, hanging in there as I helped him challenge or re-frame all the limiting thoughts he had.  By the end he had distanced himself from his original concerns and beliefs so much that he didn’t even consider them relevant anymore.

As always, I am here to help.  Monica@NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

This is the second posting in a series of six.  The first step toward happiness is to increase personal awareness.

In step one you worked on raising your personal awareness of what is working and not working for your life.  You might notice some neglected areas of your life, areas that are causing you to feel unsatisfied, out of balance, or stressed out.  If you focus on them and raise them up to a higher standard, will your life be better off?

I could give a short list of neglected areas in my life and then see what happens if I pay more attention to them. (This is a glimpse into a personal “coaching session”)
Here is my short list: exercise, cooking healthy meals, writing consistently, cleaning out clutter/closets, finish projects.
If I were to prioritize, I’d say the way I am feeling right now, I need exercise more than anything else.

Exercise is a severely neglected area of my life.  I am feeling very overweight (I’m at my highest weight ever), and very frustrated with myself.  I know better.  I was a phys ed major, have always been active, and have let the typical “I don’t have time” excuse get in my way.
What would be some things I could do to get more exercise?
Join a Zumba class
Go to the gym regularly (I have a paid membership and haven’t attended since last October when they fired my favorite Pilates instructor- which only hurts me and not them!)
Take walks around the neighborhood or on local trails
Take another type of class- Tai Chi, Yoga, etc.
Exercise at home with or without video instruction.
Follow my Dancing With the Stars DVD’s and Dance myself to good health (I’ve done a few times lately but not consistently)

That’s a pretty good list.  And I know me, I am more likely to do something in my house than if I have to go elsewhere. DVD’s and my step box will do just fine or a walk in the local park.
And how much time is enough time?  Science says anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes per day.  I would venture to say 3 hours per week would be a good benchmark to start so that is my goal.
How will I keep track of my progress? A good old-fashioned chart on the fridge works best for me- no complicated computer programs.  I need something I can see as I reach for the ice cream!

So, now I have identified a neglected area, prioritized the one that means the most to me right now, brainstormed a list of possible solutions, picked a few that have the most likelihood of success, and set a SMART goal.

I will spend 3 hours per week doing some sort of exercise using my DVDs, step box, or walking.  AND I will chart my progress for everyone to see (especially myself!)

So, now it’s your turn.  What areas of your life are getting neglected?  How does that make you feel and what are you willing to do about it?

Follow-up note: I wrote this blog originally in June for my other blog (A New Life).  I spent a few weeks ignoring what I wrote, and then I decided that getting healthy really was a huge goal that was no longer negotiable.  I don’t want to be one of those people who gets sick and then looks back and says why did I waste years doing nothing?

Since last week I have taken 5 walks totaling 4 hours and about 14 miles (lots on trails hard to measure).  I’m feeling really charged up!  I have an accountability partner and we text each other when we do our exercise.